Writing & Odds-and-ends from Dungeon Snake

[Dungeon Snake]

this thread is pretty much just for me to post shit that i write, just random short stories and scripts and stuff like that. most of it is just nonsense

here's a television ad for the Marine Corps

OPENING - EXT: GIANT SPACE BATTLE
A huge space battle is raging - ships are firing lasers & missiles at each other.

We ZOOM to a DROP-POD, flying at maximum speed towards an ENEMY VESSEL

CUT TO: INTERIOR - ENEMY VESSEL
The bulkhead explodes as the drop-pod makes contact. Into the breach step 3 warriors:
A SAMURAI, with his deadly katana-sword
A NOBLE KNIGHT, in full armor & shield
and lastly - a UNITED STATES MARINE, with his rifle

ZOOM TO: the ENEMY - A DRAGON

The SAMURAI charges first. He slashes bravely at the Dragon, but is SLAPPED into a crumpled heap by the tail!

Next, the KNIGHT wades into the fray. He holds up his shield to block the Dragon's fire-breath, but is CRUSHED by one mighty claw!

Finally, we zoom to the UNITED STATES MARINE. He calmly zeroes in his rifle, then we follow his bullet as he scores a PERFECT HEADSHOT.

the DRAGON drops dead instantly, revealing the treasure behind it - a horde of naked ladies!

Cheering excitedly, they rush up to the MARINE and gather around his feet.

The MARINE pauses for a moment, and rests his boot atop the dead DRAGON'S head. One of the naked ladies hands him a frosty mug of beer.

The MARINE lifts his chin towards the camera.

MARINE: "What are you waiting for?"

CUT TO: Black field with the Globe & Anchor
Text gradually fades in:
"The Few. The Proud. The Marines."

[Dungeon Snake]

here's another Marine Corps ad

[begin with heroic musice]

COLD OPEN - BLACK FIELD

NARRATOR: "Throughout the centuries..."

fade to: EXT - REVOLUTIONARY WAR, FROSTY BATTLEFIELD

a MUSCULAR REVOLUTIONARY MINUTEMAN huddles by a small campfire. He sees a troop of BRITISH REDCOATS approaching, and quickly lunges to his feet!
In a furious charge, he bayonets a REDCOAT in the throat. As the British Redcoat dies, in his blood-stained hand is clutched a piece of paper labelled "TAXES"

CUT TO - WORLD WAR 2, PACIFIC THEATER

NARRATOR: "Some men have taken the call to action."

A MARINE (played by the same actor as the REVOLUTIONARY MINUTEMAN) stands atop a pile of JAP CORPSES

With grim determination and a cigarette clenched in his teeth, he fires a MACHINEGUN into an oncoming horde of screaming JAPS, cutting them down one by one

[triumphant music]

CUT TO: PRESENT DAY - AFGHANISTAN
A MARINE bursts into a TERRORIST'S HOUSE. He quickly executes several terrorists with his rifle, then grabs a sheet of paper labelled "WMD PLANS".

Scanning around quickly, he spots a pile of papers labelled "STUDENT LOANS". He pulls the pin on a grenade and stuffs it into the pile, sending flaming paper everywhere.

Several sexy, grateful Kardashian-esque Arabian women drape themselves over him, thankful for the rescue.

NARRATOR: "What's your excuse, pussy?"

FADE TO:

[Shaun]

I want to join the Marines now

[Dungeon Snake]

okay here's a tele-script for a theoretical animated tv show called "TERRIBLE INFLUENCE DOG"

EPISODE 1
INT: House - day
[entrance foyer to a lower-middle-class home, no furniture, holes in the walls, broken bottles and bowie knives lying around, several power strips linked to one outlet but connected to nothing]
[a group of KIDS cautiously open the door, giggling]
[They come into the kitchen, where TERRIBLE INFLUENCE DOG is sitting at the kitchen table, clearly hung-over, drinking whiskey even though it’s like 9 AM. He’s staring blearily at a large pile of papers on the table]

KIDS: What’re ya doin, Terrible Influence Dog?

DOG: I’ll tell you what I’m NOT doing - these fucking tax returns!

[he sweeps the papers off the table and lights them on fire with a zippo as the kids cheer]

[smoke alarm starts going off]

[DOG rips it off the wall and smashes it with a hammer, then tosses the hammer to a kid]

[he goes over to the stove and turns it up full, then sweeps a nearby toaster into the sink]

DOG: C’mon, kids, let’s get out of here.

KIDS: YAYY!


EXT: Lower-middle-class neighborhood, day
[TERRIBLE INFLUENCE DOG and the KIDS walk up to a gas station]

DOG: Okay, Tiffany, I’m gonna need you to go distract the cashier while I steal us some forties.

LITTLE GIRL: But what should I do?

DOG: Who cares, if you hit any snags just scream “RAPE!” as loud as you can.

LITTLE GIRL: Hee hee, okay!

DOG: The rest of you, go play with some strangers.

[he indicates a group of men nearby playing dice, consisting of a homeless veteran, a sweaty man in a trenchcoat and a mexican immigrant]

[INT - Convenience Store, day]

LITTLE GIRL: Ahem! Excuse me, sir, could I have some -

DOG (arms full of 40s and cartons of snacks) GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!

[alarm goes off as he pushes kids out of the way]

[EXT - Municipal Landfill, afternoon]

[All the kids are drinking 40’s, shooting dice and playing on abandoned industrial equipment]

LITTLE BOY: Ooo… My tummy hurts!

DOG: Here! Take this - and this - and this! - and this!
[he hands him a bag of pop rocks, a coke, some baking soda, and a bottle of vinegar]

LITTLE BOY: Thanks, Terribew Infwuence Dog!


ALL the KIDS [hugging him]: We love you!

DOG: Hey, you kids are alright! C’mon, let’s look for syringes. Anybody who finds one gets to try Daddy’s Listerine!

~FIN~

[Dungeon Snake]

EPISODE 2
EXT: NIGHT - SIDE of a ROAD

[some kids emerge from the bushes, grinning. they are wearing all black - some of them sweatshirts, some PJs, one kid a batman costume.]

[They walk over to TERRIBLE INFLUENCE DOG, who seems to be keeping watch for something.]

KIDS (simultaneously): HEY, TERRIBLE INFLUENCE DOG!

LITTLE GIRL: We showed up just like you told us!

DOG: SH! SHUT up! Did you bring what I asked you?

LITTLE BOY: Yep! Here’s Daddy’s crowbar!

[hands crowbar to the DOG]

DOG: Great!

LITTLE BOY: And here’s all the stuff from his wallet, hee hee!

[hands him a fistful of credit cards, driver’s license, etc]

DOG: Perfect. I’ll show you some cool stuff we can do with that later. Right now, though, I need you to help me re-program this electronic road sign.

[pan out to reveal large blinking electronic road sign]

DOG: Bethany, you gotta keep a lookout for cops. Oh, actually, speaking of which, Bethany, I’m gonna need you to hold onto this for me.
[hands her a gallon-size ziploc bag full of assorted pills - some in prescription bottles, some not]

Bethany: Hee! Okay!

DOG: Actually, hang on a second, Bethany.

[He takes the bag back]

DOG: You can open medicine like this.

[shows her how child-safety caps open, and then pounds a bunch of random pills; his eyes turn bloodshot and he starts shaking]

DOG: Bethany, I want you to know, your Mommy keeps fun candy like this in the bathroom cupboard sometimes. Okay, Johnny, give me a hand with this crowbar.

[they use the scientific principle of leverage to jack open the case for the console]

DOG: Sometimes, the password for the console is written on the inside of the box. Normally, though, it’s just DOTS. See? D-O-T-S!

[console reads: ACCESS GRANTED, we watch the console as the DOG navigates to the proper application]

DOG: Okay! Now let’s change the message, but remember, it has to be concise!

KID: Uhh… something funny!

DOG: Okay.

[DOG quickly types in “TUNnEL
SNAKEZ
rUle 420”]

[headlights approach just as he finishes typing]

OFFSCREEN VOICE: Hey, you!

DOG: Oh, shit! Time for my Secret Weapon!

[he swallows a bunch of pills from a tin can labeled “PCP” and hulks out, Pope-eye style - his bicep depicts a brief montage from the Invasion of Normandy in "Saving Private Ryan"]

DOG: Remember, kids, medicine helps us gain control of ourselves!

[he takes off through the wilderness and quickly jumps a fence, the sound of dogs barking in the distance]

[credits]


STINGER
INT: LIVING ROOM - DAY
[TERRIBLE INFLUENCE DOG is passed out on his couch, despite the bright sunshine outside]
[the door opens and the LITTLE KIDS come piling in]

KIDS [quietly] Hi, Terrible Influence Dog.

DOG: Jesus Christ, not you little fuckers again.

KIDS: Ha ha! You’re funny!

DOG: What will make you be quiet?

LITTLE GIRL: A movie!

OTHER KIDS: Yeah! We want to see a movie!

DOG: Fine.

[He gets up and pops a tape into the VCR]

[we see the TV play static and then the music video to “Welcome to the Jungle”]


Axl Rose: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE, BABY…

[CUT TO:]

[CHILDREN’S HORRIFIED FACES AS THE VIDEO ENDS]

[Old Rivers]

seniram eht nioj

[Dungeon Snake]

here's more writing and shit

I was 6 when I cut off the thumb of my left hand. I did not tell my Father for 3 days. I hid the wound. This was my first lie.
The Axe was named “Shield-Beater”. This was the last innocent act it would ever do.
My Father smiled when he saw my bloody hand. I have heard that the “Christ” had his hands nailed to a Dog-Wood tree.
I find this weak, but Odin was nailed to a tree as well. His was an Ash-Tree. Ash is strong. An Ash-Tree does not bend to wind or insect; it is not flexible to the whims of Fate.

I like Odin. I like the Ash-Tree. I do not like the White Christ and his innocent lies.

I was 12 when first I killed another man. I cut off his hand, then I stabbed him in the throat. He died weltering in his own blood; I stared into his eyes as he did so. I hoped I would see something to illuminate my own Fate. I saw nothing.

My Father knew I had killed him. He asked what had occurred. I said,
“Nothing.” I do not remember if He smiled. He was well-sated with blood and mead and woman. I could barely see my own hands. His vetted thanes were thick about him, like finger-veins, bedecked in glory and silver.
I swore, that Night, that I would be like unto them. I would be a mailed, sword’d God. All of the hateful world would tremble beneath my hoof-beat.

I took up Shield-Beater when I was 16, by my guess. I slew 8 men in one night. It was in a public space, and I could not escape. My Father had already been killed by them. I took His name, and Shield-Beater. I also took His fine cloak, and His bright sword which was named “Terror”.
The Christian-men in the tavern-house were incapable of understanding. I took up Shield-Beater, and slew them with it. I finished my Father’s ale, and walked away. The White Christ rules everything now. I didn’t understand his Religion, at that time.
Nobody does, but now I think I know as much as the next Man. Now, I know he rules everything. The Old Fathers and Mothers have gone to Earth, I think, like the Starling in winter. They will be back soon. Terror remembers them, and shivers when I sharpen her. I remember, as well.

With the naivety of the Young, I thought my hours were endless. What thrill it brings me, now, to remember myself mail-clad and mighty. To stand athwart the bows of Sea-Swinging Ships, and feel the mighty clash of arms - thus my prowess, thus my glory!

I was 18 when I slew a Priest of Christ with Shield-Beater. I did not think Terror a fit match for the task. The Christians did not love me for this - they named me “Demon”, and bade men fear my wrath. This suited me well - I did not lack for fresh-spilt blood in those days.

I remember my Father, now - He did not run from the blood-stained swirl of steel.
He had accepted the Prophet of the Nailed Christ when first it came - My Father turned no man from His Stead. I do not think He imagined what followed. Now, the Hof is torn down - a wood temple of the Christ stands instead. I do not know what Father would have thought of this. It seems to be the blank action of Fate.

I can listen only to Odin, and I hear Him howling in my ears.