AUGUSTIN BURGER BOWN REVIEWS CONTEST REVIEWS

Here are my reviews as originally written. And I guess a score at the end.

———

TOONSVILLE

Ahh, Augustin Burger. First the subject of a little-seen movie by a little-known member, turned into a mild curiosity by community darling Toonsville, just how did this topic become the focus of the community’s most exciting new release? Well, mostly because I voted for it on the poll like five times. Take that, motherfuckers! Nonetheless, these motherfuckers rose to the occasion, and have delivered some fantastic entries on the most esoteric of subjects.

So what IS Augustin Burger? Well, the man who made it what it is today, Toonsville, kicks off the competition with an explanation - kind of - in “Augustin Burger Mania”. Augustin Burger is a restaurant, that sells burgers, and is owned by Augustin, who is a cowboy? As well? His rival, I guess, Bo of Bo Company, travels with a sentient burger, who should be horrified by this whole endeavour, to steal the recipe for Augustin’s burgers.

This is honestly like some of the best 3dmming I’ve ever seen from Toonsville. He really stepped it up with this one, with some really solid scenery and animation. The story is very typical Deakin fare, with a bunch of fighting and Augustin wins and shit, but I definitely did not know his 3dmm skills were at this level. I guess he took the fact we picked his contest to heart and really put his all into this entry, which is very sweet. Thank you, Jack! I’m high! Hooray!

Animation : 3.5/5
Story : 3/5
Originality : 3/5
Total : 9.5/15

———

OLD RIVERS

Back at it again is 3dmm.com President and resident community scamp Old Rivers, following in his brother’s footsteps by entering a little-effort joke thing. Although, to be fair, this little-effort joke release - extremely ironically titled “Lawrence of Augustin Burger” - does have a couple of pretty nice shots that remind us of what Rivers can do when he actually tries, and I did kind of laugh at the concept/parody, even as I was like “fuck off Rivers”. In this, Augustin is a man on a motorcycle who crashes after going too fast. That’s sad.

Animation : 3.5/5
Story : 2/5
Originality : 2.5/5
Total : 8/15

———

BAGELMAN

I’m sorry, who is Bagelman? I don’t think I can remember a single post by this guy, on the board or in the server. Anyway, “Augustin Burger VS KFC” has a KFC worker come in and start dissing Augustin and the workers, and then I guess, a bunch of other weird stuff happens. There’s some pretty cool Augustin Burger props in this, and the scenery is okay most of the time, when he actually bothers with it, but the TTS voices aren’t very good and I found it very hard to understand what they were saying a lot of the time so I couldn’t really well you anything about the story. Bagelman absolutely has promise as a director, but get a mic or something, dude, jesus.

Animation : 3/5
Story : 2/5
Originality : 2.5/5
Total : 7.5/15

———

PLOPILPY

Of course Plop started his entry with a fucking Thundercat song.

Seriously, though, I really enjoyed the opening montage of “The Downfall of Augustin Burger”, even if Plop (non-president, non-discord admin) has no idea where England is. I bet he’s getting ready to complain that it was a deliberate joke you guys!!!! well, I got it, Plop! It just wasn’t funny. Wait a minute, it turns out the opening montage was actually basically the whole thing. It gets pretty preachy there at the end. Didn’t I do a line for this?

Ok, there it is. Plop told me he needed a super British voice for that, which is why I did that weird accent. If I’d have known it was gonna be played by Patrick with sunglasses, I would have done something completely different. For fuck’s sake.

Of course Plop put MF DOOM over the end credits of his entry. Giving the judges of this movie a special thanks over a Madvillainy joint is the most Plop thing ever.

It was really good to see you release something new, Plop!

Animation : 4/5
Story : 3/5
Originality : 3.5/5
Total : 10.5/15

———

PATRYK

Look. Patryk’s entries are usually a special breed of dogshit, but people have really been bringing it this time around, so you gotta go into things with an open mind.

Well, it’s a Star Wars parody, and he’s called me an asshole and a cunt in the opening crawl alone. Then there’s a really long bit where they establish that you can’t make burgers without any patties, and also everyone’s in space btw. This is basically the plot of Toonsville’s entry except also Star Wars, which is a really weird choice to mix with this franchise. Patryk’s voice acting is, I mean, you guys have heard Patryk’s voice. It’s really really annoying. I’m not sure what really happened at the end but it did in fact end which is good because I was worried for a second there. Patryk also thanked the judges over the credits. Who is he kidding?

Animation : 2/5
Story : 2/5
Originality : 1.5/5
Total : 5.5/15

——

RED SCORPION

After months of tantalising mods and animations, Red Scorpion finally releases his first 3dmm movie in several years, and it’s about a fat, nude Augustin getting on the wrong side of the law. The poor guy must really be having an identity crisis right about now!!!!

The scenery and animation in this is excellent, and absolutely lives up to Red’s recent promise. He kept the fight consistently interesting and the cinematography was great. Although the story is a little bare-bones, it’s funny throughout, and made me laugh multiple times. The TTS voices were pretty good in this one. I especially enjoyed the Hank Hill cop. The ending twist was extremely shocking! Poor Augustin. I hope this is the beginning of Red releasing more stuff, and finishing more projects, because it was super cool.

Animation : 4.5/5
Story : 3.5/5
Originality : 4/5
Total : 12/15

———

NIXON

The follow-up to Nixon’s acclaimed ‘Cat Bones’ has been a long time coming, and during the wait, much has changed for our reclusive creator, from his various community controversies, to losing one half of Two Totem Productions (replacing the beginning with a tearful lone totem) in an unfortunate snapping incident. For the last several weeks, during various delays, “Burger Chase” has been hyped beyond madness by its director, promising a 3dmm experience the likes of which we have never seen. So, does it live up to these lofty promises? I don’t know, because I’m writing this paragraph before I watch it!!!!

Well, I’m back, and there’s really no doubt about it: Nixon has created his demented masterpiece, a beautiful dark twisted fantasy of burger theft, abusive smackhead fathers, terrifying grinning pyjama dwarf armies, what appears to be the main character from Nixon’s abandoned project ‘Smoked’, and, eventually, tragedy.

It is so clear from beginning to end that Nixon really did put the care into this movie he so often claimed he had, with every frame full of imaginative, absorbing aesthetics and fluid, detailed animation. The three-pronged narrative: following Nixon’s Stoner, Billy’s unhinged father character, and eventually Augustin himself - remains not just hilarious throughout, but actually genuinely interesting and almost gripping. It’s his most straightforward narrative of his recent releases (which is really saying something), but still displays a wealth of inspiration those releases only hinted at, with the only major flaw being how abruptly it ends. The voices - a myriad mix of Nixon himself, samples from media, and AI TTS - are really funny and varied, adding a lot to each character, while the music choices are killer.

Whether or not this is Nixon’s last project, it certainly feels like he’s come into his own as a purveyor of insane, horrifying, well-made nightmare fuel. I loved Nixon’s last two movies, and am happy to say that this not only exceeds both of them, but is very likely my favourite 3dmm movie this year. All this from Augustin Burger. It’s remarkable.

And on that final note, it is just so incredible to me that this silly idea I voted for several times as a joke has led to such incredible and creative shorts from some of the best of the community. Some madly talented contestants who really took the idea and ran with it to create some great stuff, some who tried to the best of their ability and exceeded their previous work, and then also Old Rivers was here! This was a really fantastic contest, and it should give anyone hope for the future of this community! You’re welcome, everybody! Viva 3dmm! Viva Augustin Burger!!! Viva Bown!!!!!!

Animation : 5/5
Story : 4.5/5
Originality : 5/5
Total : 14.5/15

———

Critical Score: 75/100 (the divided score of everyone’s entries is closer to 65, but we can all agree the good stuff elevates the whole thing)
Personal Score: 85/100